Professor Plum’s wit had me in near hysterics this morning. As parents of 5 (soon to be 6) children, we’ve had our ups and downs with potty training, but we’ve never had to visit a “specialist” before.
Professor Plum’s Relentless Rants on Eduquackery: Wholistic-Naturalistic Toilet Training
Toilet School was at Rugrat Hospital. The trainer had just received her Ph.D. from Harvard. Her thesis–toilet training. Which made her a Doctor of Dookie Studies. Certainly smart as heck and very nice. But I couldn’t imagine any serious gaps in the toileting literature. Were there a LOT of unanswered questions? Where there loads of intervening variables to flush out
“Effects of conjugate reinforcement schedules on poop production.” [Translation? What happens if you give more rewards for more poop?]
“Dimensions of anal retentiveness. An unexplored avenue.”
[Translation? No, way. Not going there.]
The seven week program could’ve been written on one side of a 3 x 5 card with room left over for Granny Gurkin’s apple crisp recipe.
Week 1. Read stories about turtles with a fear of pooping.
“Myrtle, the sad and significantly backed up turtle.”
Week 2. Read stories about kids with a fear of pooping.
“Colin and his craven colon.”
“Janus and his anxious …” [Your turn]
Week 3. Just sit on the can.
Week 4. Sit on the can and whiz.
Week 5. Wear “big boy” underpants (Sears best) and don’t poop in them. [Naturally, Raisin merely took off the Big Boys, put on a diaper, and did his biz.]
He’d beaten the game. Alas, what to do? Oh, what to DO?!
Professor Plum’s rant for the day is rife with his characteristic candor. A highly recommended read for anyone who likes to laugh, at the very least, or who has faced potty training nightmares of any kind.
