Keep watching this space for a series of blog posts I will be writing.

The subject? “The invisible handicap that wasn’t”

If that isn’t cryptic enough, I don’t know how I could possibly improve on that.

The point, dear readers, is that at long last I feel compelled to write about something that’s been a part of my life for as long as I can recall. I have a handicap that is invisible, odorless, dissolves instantly in liquid and is one of the deadlier poisons known to man (okay, that last part is from “The Princess Bride”). The problem with this handicap is that it’s invisible.

An invisible handicap? How so? No one can tell I have it by looking at me. Most can’t tell I have it from even speaking with me, unless they take enough time to really start to notice. How is anyone supposed to even know how to deal with this if they can’t see it? In this day of politically correct behavior everyone wants to be sensitive to those with handicaps, but how can they if it’s invisible?

Have I piqued your interest yet? Wondering what it is that’s got me? I’ll tell you…

I am a High Functioning Autistic, or if you prefer, I am afflicted by Asperger’s Syndrome. (It’s kind of an either/or diagnosis).

But how can that be? Aren’t autistic people unable to interact with others? Aren’t they like “Rain Man” or something? The truth is that’s full-blown autism. High Functioning Autistics/Asperger’s Syndrome sufferers have only some of the symptoms of the fully autistic. If you really know me well, go and do some googling on the subject. Try “High Functioning Autism symptoms” or “Asperger’s symptoms“ in your favorite search engine. Read up a little bit. See if you don’t start to see similarities.

Meanwhile, to further whet your appetite for new knowledge and understanding, I suggest that you Take The AQ Test and see what your results are. From the article it is clear that:

1. Average people (the control group) scored an average of 16.4
2. 80% of those diagnosed with HFA/AS scored higher than 32
3. The test is not meant to diagnose HFA/AS
4. Those who score 32 or higher, and/or meet the actual criteria for HFA/AS can still lead a normal life, difficulty free
5. This test was prepared by the foremost experts in autism research

So. What did you score? I score a 37. I also manifest many of the symptoms of HFA/AS. A lot, in fact.

I took it upon myself to read up on the subject. I can’t actually self-diagnose as I’m not a doctor, but I’d put better than even money on the outcome, based on what I’ve read and based on my recollections and memories of past events (and how I acted in them).

Where does this lead, then? Why is this a handicap? Why do I call it the invisible handicap, even? People don’t understand that I have a very difficult time interacting with others, particularly in large groups. It’s hard to see this because I enjoy teaching and do well teaching in front of large groups. But put me in a social group where people are conversing and just having a good time and I become withdrawn. I offend people merely because I appear to not want to spend time with them (which isn’t necessarily true). I have difficulty looking people in the eye, leave alone maintaining eye-contact. This isn’t because I’m ashamed, it just makes me very uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean I’m shy, either. It’s exceptionally hard to explain to others exactly what’s going on in my mind when these sorts of circumstances happen. All they see is that I seem evasive, that I don’t want to be there with them, that I don’t want to talk to them, or any other number of apparently anti-social behaviors. They don’t realize that I do those things because I have a handicap.

I don’t want to write too much more on this subject now because I need to finish out the premise: The invisible handicap that wasn’t.

The other reason that people don’t see that I have a handicap is that HFA/AS sufferers are frequently gifted in a specific area, or sometimes multiple areas. They can focus on their subject or area of expertise in ways that others cannot, though this is a handicap sometimes too as it can be difficult to stop working on something you’ve started – the need for closure prevents you from stopping. I have been able to survive, thrive even, with my handicap. It’s lead me to the field of computers (machines and mechanical processes are usually one of the areas in which HFA/AS people excel), cars and other mechanical things. I have good work I enjoy. It doesn’t look at all like I have a handicap.

But, I do. And it’s about time I acknowledged that I have it.

I’m not fishing for sympathy. Nothing would offend me more than to have people tread lightly around me out of pity or sympathy, or even at all. What I crave is understanding. If people understood that I act the way I do not because I’m anti-social but because social interactions are difficult, painful even, then perhaps they’d be more inclined to accept me the way that I am and not think I’m odd because I don’t interact with others the way the other 99.99% of the population do. But then, being a part of such a small subset of the population, that’s why it is a handicap.

The invisible handicap that wasn’t.